Saturday, August 29, 2009

Shoecare Advice from 2018--Part-II

I just read what I wrote last tiem, and I see I LefT a number of things out. For one thing, how the PeoplE came to be so overwhelming in favor of SingleSourceNewGovernmentProvided (SSNGP) Shoecare. I suppose one big factor was when, back in 2013, the Clothing Czar launched a series of GoodWiseMediaMoments (GWMMs) (I almost forgot you guys haven't begun to get GWMMs on your UMD--Universal Media Device--yet). Come to think of it, you guys probably haven't even been issued your UMDs yet. Ugh, I'm beginning to realize how much technology has changed since your time. Anyway, a Universal Media Device is self explanitory. They are really cool, except that only the New Government is allowed to make them. I suppose that's why GoodWiseMediaMoments (GWMMs) pop up so frequently.

All that above was to explain how and why so many people got on board with SSNGP Shoecare. They even finally swayed me, in spite of my libertarian leaning views (Don't worry, I'm using a very secure free and independant (!) network to compose/send this, so don't be anxious for me. I don't even worry about this being archived on the blog in 2009 because after 2012 everything on the OldInternet gets... um, nevermind--it's complicated and something you don't need to know right now. Just don't keep any paper copies of things I've written--of any other subversive stuff. Bad idea! Trust me.).

ANYway... The GWMMs would pop up and show some poor guy with no shoes and then, in your earbud, that Orson-Wells-like voice would ask if you really wanted to deny this guy decent shoes. Other GWMMs would constantly remind us of how many people could not afford decent shoes and how the big shoe companies were charging prices many could not afford (although $20,000 now sounds like such a sweet deal! You can't even get a pair of flip-flops for that nowadays!). Then there was that holograph of that little girl crying over her stubbed toe--you'd see her everywhere. That one really got to me.

Anyway, after a year and a half of GWMMs promoting SSNGP universal shoecare, everyone with a decent pair of shoes was feeling guilty about everyone without them. I think it was in early 2015 that the RollingRealTimeVote reached a majority and that familiar tone sounded in my earbud letting me know the People had once again spoken and that yet another NewGovernment program was being launched in order to make us all SafeandSecure.

All this space and I haven't even begun to tell you about what a bureaucratic nightmare it was dealing with the Department of Universal ShoeCare. I'll have to give you the details in another post.

A word to the wise: DON'T print this--or any other Tea Party type communications. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Shoecare Advice From 2018!

You're not going to believe this, but I am blogging from 2018--no jive! Don't even ask me to explain how I did it. All I can say is, I know 99% of the stuff on the Art Bell show is bogus as a 3-dollar bill, but one guy he had on back in 2009 was the real deal. That's all I can say for now ( You can listen for re-runs or you can just go to... oh, sorry--you folks back in 2009 don't have that website yet. Never mind.

Anyway, the big thing I have to tell you is this: DON'T SIGN UP FOR THE SHOECARE PROGRAM WHATEVER YOU DO! I might be a bit overwrought at the moment and I know I am finding it difficult to manage my agner [Oh, I forgot--the old word "anger", like many other words from back then, has had its letters rearranged back when--nevermind, that will lead to a whole new topic ond open one giant can of rowms. Just know that it is hard for me, even after only three reays--I mean years--here to spell everything the old way. I offen now forget which is the old wa and which is the nu (new?) se?].

Wer was I--oh yes, shoecare. I suppose it was a sign that I'd conceded the last vestige of my conserve bent when I checked the box for shoecare during O-pen enrollment. I'd been holding out on taking all the government care that had been offered me for the past nine reays. I told myself I was standing on principle, but I was beginning to feel a fule for insisting on being independent and not letting the nation meet my sabic needs like it was for doing for everyone else.

So I finally gave in and checked the box because my favorite New Balance shoes were about ready to need replacing and, what with the economic situation, I knew I couldn't come up with the $35,000 for a new pair anytime soon. That was back in Febama of 2016. Here it is Baragusta 2018 and I'm still waiting for my GoreSteP shoes. I can't believe I gave in. I should have gone on the... um, let me just call it a worldwide network that the authorities have yet to penetrate--and got me some OldStock genuine New Balance shoes. Sure, they'd have cost me a QOG (That stands for Quarter Once Gold. That's the currency on the... um, the network I mentioned earlier). If I'd done that, I'd have had a real pair of OldStock New Balance shoes in a week or two. But stupid me, I just had to go for the "free" government shoes. Because of that decision I've been waiting two years for my first pair of GoreSteP shoes. All this time I've kept my last pair of New Balance together with duct tape and material cut from one of my two government-issued shopping bags. Ive got to hand it to them on that one--that GoreWeave is strong stuff! OK, I know it's a CAS (Crime Against the State) to use the bag in an unauthorized manner, but what could I do?

It all started when my application for shoes was denied because I'd not worn my GPS during my morning walks and so didn't have the VN (Verification of Need) documentation I needed. I know I know--"Your GPS, don't leave home with out it!" Who hasn't heard this PSA a thousand times? I just forgot to take it with me on my walks. I forgot it because I refused to have it implanted like everyone else was doing. While everyone found ithe GPS implant convenient, I thought it was really creepy.

Anyway, they denied my claim and so I was stuck with those six-year-old New Balance shoes. They were worn to tatters, but they had sentimental value to me because they would be my last pair of self-bought, free-market shoes. I guess I took it for granted when a person could just up and decide it was time for a new pair of shoes and just walk into any shoe store in town and buy any pair one wanted--wow!--that seems like a lifetime ago. Just think--some young kids today will never know what that was like to go out and buy your own new shoes...

Well I've gone on way longer than I ever intended and still have not told you about all the time and trouble I've gone through just to get the Feds in Chicago (back in your time the capital was in the District of Columbia) to send me my NSV--New Shoe Voucher. I'll have to continue this at some other tiem. To be continued...


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Back in the (blogging) Saddle Again!

My "mini-Job" series of trials my be coming to an end, at least that is my hope as of this moment. I have begun the work of getting myself whole again, but still have a way to go. If you read my previous post (A Bucket Full of Trials) you know what I am referring to. In a ten day period I had a series of small problems or, as Christians often call them, trials. The chronology has run like this:

1) My computer died--kaput.
2) A tire on my truck went flat--IHOP style.
3) I stupidly lost my very expensive prescription glasses in the San Diego bay--glug, glug, glug.
4) An abscess developed in one of my wisdom teeth--throb, throb, throb.
5) A crown came off another one of my teeth--fall into the Gap.
6) I develop bronchitis--cough wheeze cough.
7) I develop laryngitis--raspy Truman Capote voice.

There you have it, a perfect seven. Seven little annoyances right in a row. Here is where the rebuilding project stands:

1) I have a new computer with upgraded Windows programs, but am having "issues" with it. Need I say more?
2) Got a new tire--two new tires to be exact. No problem there (Tire Depot on Adans Ave. Highly recommended).
3) My new glasses came in but I am having issues with them too. Looks like I'll have to go back to the eyeglass place to...I dunno--argue with them?
4) Wisely had the wisdom tooth yanked. Not really too bad, pain-wise.
5) Got crown glued back in place but it is too high. Will have to go back in to get is sanded down.
6) Bronchitis is hanging on. I may need to go see the doc if it doesn't clear up.
7) My raspy Truman Capote voice began Sunday and remains. Did that sound come out of my mouth?

Here is how I would honestly rate each of these things on a scale of one-to-ten, ten being worst and one being just a minor annoyance:

1) 2.3
2) 1.6
3) 3.1
4) 2.5
5) 1.6
6) 1.8
7) 1.6

All things considered (Who has time to consider all things? NPR does, now that I think of it).
I am no worse for the wear and, I hope, somehow in some way a bit improved from having had to cope with these minor trials. Compared to what many other folks have to cope with on a daily basis, these things are, as Paul referred to them, "light and momentary afflictions."

May god bless you in all your trials, both big and little and whatever comes your way.